BTF: Let Me Sleep

Sometimes, when the stress of household finances weighs on my mind, and I can't sleep, I find myself on my laptop surfing the internet.

I'm looking for contests, sweepstakes, and giveaways, all for cash, all to instantly clear the worries in my mind.

For someone who can't work and needs to devote her time to studying, I crumble at the thought of my father being the only one who is supporting his family. I want to take his place.

But unfortunately, this life doesn't work the way I want it to and I have to continue living off my family to achieve the career I want and need to support them. 

There is no give. There is no mercy. There may not even be a God.

In moments like these, I have no faith. And maybe I should.

But I find it a little hard to believe in an entity that only inflicts pain and suffering to it's followers. 

I would never wish for a sole provider to be inflicted with a disease that painfully, fuses his spinal vertebrae together with no painless solution to slow it down. 

Is it too much heart? Maybe I don't want this heart. Why give me this heart?

At 2am, I don't want to be awake and hurting. I want to be filled with dreams that are achievable and hopes that are believable. 

Asking for so much. Giving so much. Stricken with so much.

I'm tired so, please, let me sleep.

mera.

I'm very worried right now, as my posts as of recently have implied. Lost and very unsure, so bear with me. I'm occupied and can't focus on writing stories. I'm going to try to clear my mind for now, especially with a new semester and deadlines to meet, so posts may be infrequent. Your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you.