BTF: Let Me Sleep

Sometimes, when the stress of household finances weighs on my mind, and I can't sleep, I find myself on my laptop surfing the internet.

I'm looking for contests, sweepstakes, and giveaways, all for cash, all to instantly clear the worries in my mind.

For someone who can't work and needs to devote her time to studying, I crumble at the thought of my father being the only one who is supporting his family. I want to take his place.

But unfortunately, this life doesn't work the way I want it to and I have to continue living off my family to achieve the career I want and need to support them. 

There is no give. There is no mercy. There may not even be a God.

In moments like these, I have no faith. And maybe I should.

But I find it a little hard to believe in an entity that only inflicts pain and suffering to it's followers. 

I would never wish for a sole provider to be inflicted with a disease that painfully, fuses his spinal vertebrae together with no painless solution to slow it down. 

Is it too much heart? Maybe I don't want this heart. Why give me this heart?

At 2am, I don't want to be awake and hurting. I want to be filled with dreams that are achievable and hopes that are believable. 

Asking for so much. Giving so much. Stricken with so much.

I'm tired so, please, let me sleep.

mera.

I'm very worried right now, as my posts as of recently have implied. Lost and very unsure, so bear with me. I'm occupied and can't focus on writing stories. I'm going to try to clear my mind for now, especially with a new semester and deadlines to meet, so posts may be infrequent. Your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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BTF: So Far...

What a way to start the new year...
Feeling absolutely wretched with a cold that won't let me hold anything down.
Weakened by lack of sleep.
Stricken with crazy dreams (drug-trafficking empire in Costco??) induced by medication.
Bruises and muscle pain from tobogganing.
All around anxiety from starting up next semester.
Stress from having to complete the requirements for the BCIT Lab Tech. program by April.

Whoa. I'm a big ball of stress and pain.

And! Not to mention, my overall fear of change. (Hahaha, I'm everywhere right now.)

I'm at a low point at the moment, when I really should be optimistic and positive. I've got to find ways to boost my moral. (any suggestions?)

Hmm, maybe I'll try to reshape myself, with makeup and clothes... (damn, need money for that.)

Well, hopefully I figure something out (especially with uni and BCIT).

I've only got a few days before this holiday ends and reality tumbles onto my shoulders,
mera.

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BTF: Awake and In Thought

I'm taking a break before I properly dry my hair and stuff my long-forgotten purse with necessities.
A girls day at the mall with some pretty amazing gals. It's strange that now that exams are here in a week, my schedule has been packed with get-togethers with friends and shopping trips.

I'm just taking a moment to finally realize that I'm a big girl now. I mean, I've been 19 since October but the finality of growing up hasn't really settled in (probably because I'm still tied to the tight leash held by my parents...). This is my moment to find myself and experience everything :)

This time, last year, I was a mess. I carried on my mess for two semesters of university, dwelling on it throughout my summer and only confronting my depression a couple weeks before I started university again the following fall. It took a lot of convincing from others (I love you all for your support!) and the push of bravery from myself, to realize that I need to do things at my own pace and find something I truly enjoy. 

It seems simple and obvious, but sometimes the most obvious can easily slip from under your nose and leave you feeling stranded. I was fortunate to have my friends catch what I missed, and I'm truly grateful for their concern. 

And with their same support and concerns, I was advised to take up something to relieve the stress I had built up over the last year with my struggles and loneliness. And that's when I remembered that I liked to write (though I am a bit rusty at times now), so this blog was born. 

All of you who pass through this blog as a fleeting visitor; I adore you for the time to dwell a moment into my fictional mind (that will expand, probably for the greater bad.. teehee!). 

Fans don't come easy, I understand. I'll still attempt to woo you all (I'm learning how to ;) yeah, I'm a socially awkward beast)!

Ah, my attempts at wooing... I used the skills I learned from a book (I borrow strange 'how-to's' from the library. They don't question me about it anymore) and after a successful flirting session, I had managed a number, a free pair of shoelaces (yeah.. my brothers were extremely happy though!), and a thorough seminar in longboards (he works at West49). I still have to work on the exit though because he wouldn't let me leave as he talked on and on, and showed off his skills. 

I'm trying to be human, I swear!

Anyways, thank you for reading! I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the traffic :) 

-smoochies!!-

I'll be posting a story of some sort later this evening, just gotta decide whether it'll be another JournalWord (I've got quite a few of those now), a list (haven't done on in a while), or a continuation of You've Got Male Models (do you wanna know what Chris comes home to? ;P). 

Drop me a hint of what you'd like :)

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BTF: It's going to get better.

I know I need to get through the beginning of YGMM. It's pretty dry and boring, I know, but that is Chris. Chris hasn't got much of a personality; she's a blank slate, overprotected by others. She doesn't find herself familiar with other people and opts to work whole-heartily into her job, saving lives and learning about people from their medical records and by observation. 

Her interactions with Tristan and Jones will introduce her to the real world, though at this moment, Tristan and Jones are very guarded against Chris. She wasn't easily swayed by their charm as their landlord was, and I'll be doing their point of view on the situation when she arrives at the apartment, next. So watch out for that!

I am on my last week of classes right now before my final exams crush me with more stress than I'm suffering right now (writing is my outlet for stress, so this might be the only thing keeping me from having a stress-induced nervous breakdown. I've had one and it is not fun). I was on the run from my stress as I wrote the two stories yesterday (I was on a roll and I still have stories I didn't publish yet). I'm extremely happy with Where Our Demons Reside, that really expressed a story just aching to be let out. And maybe I'll elaborate about it later.

All those that read this (You!), I absolutely adore you for the time and I hope that there is something I write that brings a smile to your face (Cuz I bet it's a gorgeous face!). I await your comments and hope one day I'll have someone come back to my blog after a visit.

 That would be absolutely fabulous!  

Thank you again for the visit. Stop by again, please :)

~mera

Listening to: Halcyon by Ellie Goulding 

(She's essentially amazing. And it's definitely going to get better.)

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